Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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