great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
