i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
