Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
