Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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