I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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