He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
