Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
