Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
