Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm too high and old for this...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
