evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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