Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
