I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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