I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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