I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize