am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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