and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
