I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You were trust falling into bushes
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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