my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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