his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize