Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
