oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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