I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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