He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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