so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
