my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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