...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
