A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
