just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
