Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
