Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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