I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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