i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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