worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
