Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
