theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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