I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
