You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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