i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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