I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
