i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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