My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
