Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
