I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
