Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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