Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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