no, he came in my armpit
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize