anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
