Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
