You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
