did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
