when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
