I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
