I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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