I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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