John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize