I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
