Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
