I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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